How Therapy Can Heal Narcissistic Abuse
Jan Santora-Farrar, MA, LMHC

Many of us have some narcissistic qualities like selfish moments or lapses of empathy. While most therapists are aware of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), their understanding may be limited according to the DSM, (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders*.) Unfortunately, this source does not include criteria for the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse.

Untreated, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) lies on a continuum to sociopathy. The NPD person may remain untreated, believing there is nothing wrong with abusive behavior. If the NPD person does attend counseling, it is likely brief and an attempt to manipulate the therapist in pursuit of self-interest.  For instance, they may attend couples counseling in the service of making their partner the “bad” one.

Recognize Narcissistic Abuse

The good news is that you can recover from narcissistic abuse. Recovery begins with the  recognition that you are, or have in the past, experienced it in a significant relationship. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I doubt my perceptions of my spouse or partner (sibling, adult child, parent, boss)?
• Do I feel devalued, self-doubt, or inferior in the relationship?
• Do I feel resentful toward the narcissist?
• Do I feel trapped in the relationship?
• Do I feel anxious, depressed, or have a sense of worthlessness in my relationship?
• Does this person gaslight (rewrite history)?
• Is rage the feeling usually displayed by this person?
• Does this person display hot and cold moodiness, criticism, entitlement, cruelty, and gross lack of empathy toward me and others?
• Does this person lie consistently?
• Is this person needlessly jealous, or conversely, not care at all what I do?
• Does this person spend a large portion of time on social media?
• Does this person watch pornography, have affairs, or a diagnosis of “sex addiction”?

By recognizing characteristics of the abuser in these questions, you may now know that you are interacting with a NPD person. Sometimes, people with low self-esteem have trouble figuring out why they are attracted to the abuser. Very likely, they had a narcissistic parent, grandparent, or sibling; think the abusive personality traits are normal; and feel drawn to what is familiar.

All my life, I wasn’t good enough for my dad.  But I couldn’t be better than he was at doing anything either. A classic case of lose-lose, always. It is sad and hard, but also a relief to learn that I wasn’t a bad kid and I’m not a bad son, but that he is a malignant narcissist who raged and devalued and made me doubt myself continually so that he could feel better.  Even now, it’s like he just breathes up all the air in the room. He will never change for the better, or be the dad I deserve.  And now that I get that, I’m okay with learning to develop my own identity, love myself, and be a good parent to my kids. But that’s another thing.  Now that I see more clearly the extent and damage that occurs from narcissistic abuse, I have to protect my children from him as well. I don’t know if I’ll continue contact but now I know I have a choice.

Brent, client (not real name)

 

The narcissistic parent does not foster healthy separation with the child but instead uses the child’s energy for fuel, fostering co-dependence.  The child cannot develop the resources for self-actualization or self-identity because focus is always on the NPD.  This parent is at the very least an absent parent and at most, willfully harmful.

 Heal From Narcissistic Abuse

A person who survives a malignant narcissistic parent, partner, sibling, adult child, or colleague can find hope for healing and healthy future relationships. Research supports post-traumatic growth, that is, with training and practice our brain is resilient enough to overcome negative trauma. A child is conditioned by the narcissist to feel like an extension of the parent, as well as responsible for the relationship, and can even feel responsible for the narcissist’s relationships with others! They can REcondition their thought and feeling patterns in therapy by learning to:

• Set and keep boundaries
• Explore the impact of narcissistic abuse on life stages of development
• Understand malignant narcissism and sociopathy
• Build upon your inner resources that already exist for guidance and self-esteem
• Explore what safety, responsibility, or control mean to you
• Build your tribe and positive external resources
• Corrective parenting of yourself
• Work toward attachment to your self
• Protect your children
• Explore your attraction to the narcissist so you can prevent it happening again
• Process and release the effects of narcissistic abuse – chronic loss, grief, and trauma
• Recognize you are most likely experiencing symptoms of Chronic Loss Syndrome (see article on this website)
• Self-forgive, self-compassion, self-identify, self-actualize
• Spirituality

Seek a Specialist Who Treats Narcissistic Abuse

This abuse can be invisible to people outside your relationship with the narcissist. The NP Disordered person is often charming, persuasive, seems generous, and attentive. These qualities however, are attempts by the narcissist to seduce and take your energy, often triangulating you and others in the process. This causes others to question your experience and for you to doubt yourself.

You must work with someone who believes you. Find a counselor who is abuse-aware for your healing work – one who is trained and certified in a narcissistic abuse recovery program.

Few counselors focus on victims of the narcissist. They usually identify narcissistic traits and advise clients to stay away – but don’t treat the client for the abuse. It’s hard to find a therapist like Jan who can help those who so far have had little success in healing.

Catherine, colleague

*DSM criteria available online

(c) Jan Santora-Farrar, MA, LMHC